On Monday, I received a call from my son’s school informing me that he was being suspended for two days due to an incident that had occurred on last Friday. ☹ What made this phone call more frustrating than it may have been was that I was literally on the other line with his godmother (my best friend, Tasha), fussing ABOUT HIM! I had the option to pick him up then or to let him remain in ISS for the day. I let him stay at school, because I was too hot to see him at that moment.
For the most part, Chris is a relatively good kid. I haven’t had much trouble out of him his whole life, but the rare occasions that he has given me the blues, it’s like he goes out of his way to make up for all the times that he hasn’t. This was one of those times. What made matters worse, is that in the past, on the rare occasions, I would call his mentor, Montrell, and have him come out and talk to him, try to see where his head is and get him back on track. I couldn’t do that this time. Montrell is no longer with us, he was killed 1 year & 4 months ago in the line of duty. So now I am all the way in my feelings at this point.
I am angry at Chris for making stupid decisions. I am angry at his dad for being a good for nothing POS. (disclaimer, I vowed to never speak ill of either of my son’s fathers in their presence, and I will not ever do so, they are free to make up their own minds about their dads)—However, behind closed doors and even in this blog, I will scream from the roof tops, I HATE ADRIAN LEDAY. Ok, I got that out. Let’s move on. I am in my car just fussing and cussing to Tasha. I am crying. I am yelling. I am pounding on my console. I am just plain mad y’all.
I’ve raised Chris since I was 16, I didn’t really know what I was doing of course, but he has NEVER gone without. I’ve always made sure that I provided the best example that I can be for him—as a person. I speak with honesty and integrity. I work hard and provide for my family. I’ve never had men in and out of his life. The only man I allowed to get close to him was his brother’s dad. I have shown respect for myself and respect for my boys. He doesn’t ask for much, so when he asks, between myself and my mother he gets the things he asks for—and as he has gotten older, he has had to work for those things—especially with my mom; so he knows that things are not just handed to him.
I am not going to sit here and say that I deserve mom of the year—because I don’t. I have done the best I can, but I know that I have fallen short at times. But, I say all this to say, Chris knows better. Chris knows better and yet for some reason, Chris still chooses to make wrong decisions. It doesn’t matter how many times I sit with him and explain the current social climate that we are in.
Monday, after I released all my expletives upon Tasha. I also released my guilt/burden to the universe. Chris is 17 years old. He is due to graduate from high school in 6 months. He is becoming his own man and while I can guide him in the right direction, I cannot make his decisions for him. I can love him fiercely and I can be there for him when he makes his mistakes, but I will not coddle him. I will not burden my mind and my heart with the feeling of failure based on decisions that he willfully makes in his life.
I am letting go. I imagine that he will be leaving the nest soon, only more reason for me to begin preparing to let go. It is a scary thought, to release him into the unforgiving hands of this world. It literally breaks my heart because this world is so cold and unkind. I know that I have sheltered him for the vast majority of his life—I realize in hindsight that was a mistake, but I was afraid of the world for him, and even more so today. I can only hope and take comfort in the fact that I reared him right. I taught him the difference between right and wrong, to respect others, and the need to embody responsibility.
How Chris decides to navigate the treacherous waters that we call life, that is on him. I will be here when he needs me.
Can anyone rel8?
With Love & Respect,