Last week I wrote the blog entitled Ideally. Ideally dealt with all the things that I had at some point wished for my life, but for whatever reasoning, life just hasn’t played out that way. However, it took just the initiation of one conversation to get me really thinking about the list, and there are some things on that list that I can do my best to make a reality in my life.
If you recall, I also wrote the blog Facing Fears: Living Outside Life’s Comfort. In this blog, I touched on how the fear of a thing can cause us to miss out on many things in life. I have alluded to my attempts to navigate the rough terrain that is law school—without going into much detail at all. Today, I shall enlighten you.
It has been my lifelong dream to pursue a career as a lawyer—ever since I was ten years old. I don’t know where it stemmed from. I just know that I have never wanted to be anything else, except a lawyer. When I was a junior in high school, I was introduced to Mumia Abu Jamal—not literally, we were asked by my American History teacher to write letters to Former President Bill Clinton asking him to issue a pardon for Mumia. My senior year I went on to do more in-depth research on him and by my 2nd year in college I was sold on my purpose in life which would be to work for the Innocence Project. The Innocence Project helps to free those wrongly convicted of crimes they did not commit. The main goal is to save lives. These people have been sentenced to death. I can think of no greater injustice than to murder an innocent man or woman. (Just FYI, I am FIRMLY against the death penalty—especially when there is a chance that the innocent can be killed).
Ok, so Mumia, Innocent Project, Danielle—future Attorney. That was the plan. However, I got pregnant with Steven just before graduation from college and so I put law school on hold for 5 years. When I finally thought life was ready for me to pursue my dream, I had one major hang-up, I didn’t want to go into extreme debt to do so. I took out the BARE MINIMUM loan thinking that if I stayed on a strict budget that I would be able to pay for school and maintain my household responsibilities (bills). In a perfect world, I would have been able to do so. However, life happens. Unexpected bills started coming out of the wood works. Money was going out and nothing was coming in. Damnit! I started stressing and I panicked. I withdrew from school and went back to work.
Going back to work, I was miserable. I still wasn’t doing what I just knew I was destined for. Two years after my first attempt, I went back to law school, this time taking out as much funds as they would allow me. But, life wasn’t about to make this time be any easier. One week before classes were to start, my son went in for an X-ray for his scoliosis. He went back the next day for another because the technician thought he saw something on his lungs on the first, but since that wasn’t what he was checking for, he couldn’t be sure. After the second X-Ray, we went back for a Cat Scan. The radiologist sat me down, and without running any test, told me that my son had cancer. About 30 minutes later, my son’s PCP called and said I want you to take Chris to the emergency room right now. We spent the next 6 days in the hospital. Four of those days were spent on the cancer ward. We went in on a Friday. On that following Monday, Chris had a biopsy, confirming that it wasn’t cancer, but something called Fusarium. This was good news, but perplexing news. We were grateful that is wasn’t cancer, but Fusarium is typically only found in persons whose immune system is compromised. Chris was healthy, his immune system “quote unquote healthy”.
We saw his Infectious Disease doctor twice a month, monitoring the mass on his lung following treatment; then after the first month, we began seeing his Allergist & Immunologist weekly for injections. This went on for the next year. Fortunately, while dealing with all of this, I still managed to excel my first year back in law school. (lol…thought I lost track of my point huh?) I even landed in the top 10% of my class. Not too bad, right.
Ok, fast forward to fall of 2016. Once again, just before classes are to begin, tragedy happens. The city of Baton Rouge has major flooding and guess whose home gets 3.5 feet of water? Yep, that would be me. Now look, I tried to stick it out. I went to class the first month, but it was too stressful. I had flood insurance on my home, but not contents insurance. My house is almost 40 years old and had NEVER flooded! I questioned every year why I even needed the flood insurance. Needless to say, my mental took over and I went into survival mode. I had to get back in the workforce. I couldn’t sit back and just go to school, knowing that once my house had been finished repaired everything in it would need to be replaced. I withdrew a second time and went back to work.
This is getting long, so I am going to speed things up. I wanted to paint the picture above to allow you to see how I have now associated bad things happening with law school. My mind sees RED when I think about law school. Danger! Danger! Danger! Don’t go back. What else is going to happen if you do? What is life going to throw your way? Maybe, this isn’t meant for you. Sighs.
It has been 1 year and 2 months since I withdrew from law school. Guess what folks? I have got to get over the fear of the thing—in this case, the unknown, some drastic event that may never even occur. A dream deferred, but not denied. Can I make this reality? Can I overcome my fear of life kicking my butt while in law school? Can I walk in my destiny and my purpose?
I plan to. Soon, real soon.
What about you? Have you ever experienced something that now has a stronghold on your mind and is holding you back from moving forward and going further in life? Did you overcome it? If so, how did you? If not, are you ready to denounce your fear? Can you rel8?
With Love & Respect,