children, Lifestyle, relationships

It’s A No For ME? Is It Really Though?

Stigma: a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

I had my first child at 16 years old. I had my second child 8 years later just before I made 25.  Two kids.  Two different fathers. Stigma. For the longest time I was ashamed of myself. Here I was with these two boys with two different fathers and I wasn’t with either of them. ☹ Honestly, I don’t think anyone really cared that my kids don’t have the same father. I just think that at a certain point in my life, I had set such high standards for myself, and then I fell drastically below them. So, I believe I was more disappointed in myself than anything else.

My boys are now 17 and 8 (soon to be 9) and I am often asked do I want another one? Don’t I want to try for a girl? LOL, I wanted both my boys to be a girl, but the universe knew best!! I didn’t and don’t need a girl. I am sure my mother would vehemently object to this, as she is one that would prefer I give her just one more grandchild, preferably a girl. However, I am going to have to say no, and I’ll tell you why.

In my mind, it is already absolutely dreadful that my two kids do not share the same father. In order to have another child, you know what that means, right? I would then have, count them up, ONE, TWO, THREE kids by THREE DIFFERENT MEN! Yeah…I cannot. I just can’t. Now mind you, I have tried to convince myself that it is not as bad as it seems. I mean, come on, I had my oldest at 16, let me be grateful that I didn’t stay with his dad and continue popping out babies as a teenager. Right, because then who knows what my life would look like today? But, it doesn’t make me feel good enough to justify bringing child number three into the fold!

As well, let’s look at the state of the world we are living in today. I think that it would be ridiculously selfish of me to want to bring a child into the F’D’upness (yeah that’s not a word, but you know what I mean, don’t you!?) that we call life. It is hard enough raising two BLACK young men in today’s society. I can’t just worry about regular stuff in life, like how are they doing in school, or if they’re growing into respectful and responsible young people. I have to worry about whether or not it’s ok for them to walk to the park in our safe but predominantly white neighborhood; and when I’m out driving with Chris, having to tell him to make sure that he comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, not only because it is what he is supposed to do, but mainly because I am afraid that because of the color of his skin, SOME cops will be looking for any reason to pull him over—and we don’t want to give them ANY reason. So back to my point, the climate in this world is discouraging, and to bring another child into it would be selfish of me.

Well Danielle, I understand all that you are saying, but, what if you meet a nice man, a good man, and he wants to marry you and convinces you that you want the same? And what if he doesn’t have any kids, and he wants you to carry his child(ren)?

I say those are some big damn ifs! I’ve thought about this. I’ve answered this. I have teeter-tottered over this. Some days I am like yeah, it’s still a no for me. Then there are days where I am like, but if I REALLY love him, I wouldn’t be able to deny him that, right? But THEN, I am like, but what if something happens? What if I have this child—for him—and something happens to him or we end up separating?  There are way too many variables at play and I can’t justify another child in my mind.

So does that mean that I could possibly miss out on a good relationship? Unfortunately, it does. Look, my oldest is about to graduate. My baby is fast moving out of the “my baby” category. He tells me all the time, “Mama, I’m not your baby anymore.” He’s right. To have another child at this point, or anytime in the future, would mean starting over AGAIN. I DON’T WANNA!! :/

This is my position today. I am 33 years young (soon to be 34). I could meet someone tomorrow who has the persuasion skills of a beast and makes me think that it is my great idea to have his child. Who knows!? I am not 100% sold on the fact that I don’t want another child (one would be all, any more than that then whoever is asking is PUSHING THEIR LUCK!). I am like at 98.3%. LOL!! So someone has a very small chance of convincing me otherwise. If there is a someone; because I don’t know that it is not my destiny to be alone in this life. So…this could be for naught, a pointless blog that I just spent the last 45 minutes on. (Sigh). WHO KNOWS??

So, can anyone rel8? What are your thoughts?

With Love & Respect,

DannyD
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1 thought on “It’s A No For ME? Is It Really Though?”

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